Cranes in the Sky

“It’s like cranes in the sky. Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds.” -Solange Knowles

More than ever, I feel a connection with Solange’s Cranes in the sky. It is a representation of where I am in my life right now. I am trying to outrun problems that are coming after me that seemingly have a speed like Usain Bolt, and I the speed of a 90 year old with bad lungs (I actually do have terrible asthma).

Here’s one thing you should know about me (besides my asthma): I have a knack for avoiding/running away from my problems. If I ignore it, its not really there, or at least that’s my theory. One other thing you should know about me: I didn’t expect to have so many problems. I mean, come on! How many problems can an 18 year old queer Black girl have for crying out loud?? I haven’t even been alive for 2 decades, but I have the fatigue of someone who’s seen the world and all its problems. I routinely feel like the walls are closing in on me the more conscious I become of the world and my place in it.

Black feminist theory and it’s emphasis on Black history, culture, intersecting oppressions, and knowing in general is cool, but I wish one Black feminist writer/ intellectual would tell me what to do with the feelings that come with knowing. I can only imagine the absolute chaos that comes with true genius. I know that the world doesn’t give a damn about me. I know that I and everyone who’s come before me has had to overcome imaginable pain. I know that I am the dream of my slave ancestors, I am the reason for their graves, for their fight and struggle, failures and successes. I know that I will pave the way for Black girls who come after me. I know of the pain and suffering and the beauty that is intertwined with my people’s history. I know the difficulties of articulating things that I know in my soul to be real with other people, difficulties I’m experiencing right now. But what am I supposed to do with that??? Do you understand what I’m asking? How do I take all of this in? All of this history? The gratitude? The feelings? They’re like cranes in the sky, and this construction project is nowhere near complete.

And that is what scares me.